Why I Held On
by QuinnSilver
Summary: He was an arrogant asshole. But I still followed him around, wondering why I held on so tight? Maybe it was because of his ice cold eyes... Maybe the way his smile could melt my heart... Or for the way he was dieing in my arms... Matt POV. AU. Rated M for a reason.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **_I feel that I owe you all a little explanation as to why I started with Why I Held On. Most of you probably don't read my authors notes but for those of you who do, well, here you go._

_It's been over a year now that I'm "officially" depressed. By officially I mean that I've seen doctors and psychologists and I've also been on a 'home base' program, which involved strangers coming into my house to make sure I still haven't comitted suicide and that the prescribed antidepressants are doing the work. I hate talking about this it makes me feel so pathetic and I also hate talking about my feelings._

_Despite taking my meds I still have times where getting out of bed is almost impossible, and on times like these I usually stay in my room alone, but this one time I had an idea for this heartbreaking fanfic, which only came back to me at my worst times. I guess you can say this fanfic is my reason to why I held on, thus the title._

_I also feel so comfortable writing from **Matts POV **in this story, so the pov won't change._

Please forgive me my weirdness

**Warnings for the whole fic: **_Self-harm, rape, violence, angstangstangst, death_

**Disclaimer:** _I own nothing, okay? okay._

**~MairaMai**

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**Chapter 1**

* * *

Mello and I were always close friends. Ever since he arrived at the orphanage, for some reason he befriended me, out of all the kids, he chose the gamer geek. But I never complained. Once he chose me, I followed him like a puppy.

The blond kid wasn't normal. I mean, in Wammys barely anyone was 'normal'. It was an orphanage for talented kids, most of them had weird habits or something wrong with their heads. But Mello was a different type of weird. No one was allowed to touch him or go near him. I always thought it was because he valued his personal space, but I never actually asked, taking things as they were. Mello was also aggressive. He always got into fights. Despite his tiny figure, he managed to beat up all the kids that crossed him.

Years have passed, Mello and I left Wammy's and moved in together. For some reason I couldn't imagine living without him. He was my best friend, the only one who knew everything about me. I told him how I got into the orphanage, what happened to my parents, about my favorite games, movies, dreams. Literally everything. He always listened to what I had to say. And he remembered everything. But Mello never spoke about his life before Wammy's, it bothered me sometimes. He arrived there when we were both fifteen, so that was a big part of his life he kept from me, but on the other side, it was probably hard for him losing his parents at such an age. I lost mine in a car accident when I was four so I didn't really remember them, Mello definitely remembered his parents though.

"Matt, did you pick up my chocolate when I was out?", Mello called from the kitchen. Oops, I knew I forgot something.

"Weeeeeeeell..."

"Mail Jeevas! All you do is sit here on your fucking ass, playing your shitty games and you can't do one thing for me?!"

"I'm soooooorry", I looked at him, dropping my head off the couch I was lieing on, to see his pissed off face and crossed arms as he stood in the doorway, "And don't call me that, you know I don't like it"

"And you know I don't like not having chocolate", the blond plopped down on my stretched legs, turning the tv on.

"Uh excuse me?", I pointed on my legs which were slowly going numb.

"You're excused"

"Mels why do you have to be so ruuuudeee", I sang in an attempt to cheer him up, but the blond just scoffed, "Fine, you win princess, I'm going to get you your chocolate now"

"Get a job while you're at it"

"Yes mom"

Mello rolled his eyes. I really was trying to get a job but it wasn't easy. And the blond pain in the ass wasn't any help either. I knew our current financial situation was... Well fucking bad, but it wans't entirely my fault. Although I could try harder, especially that Mello hated his job, yet he still went back there everyday.

I walked the streets, passing by complete strangers. Going outside was so annoying. I took out a cigarette and smoked it on my way, when I approached a cute blond girl. She gave me a flyer, which I was going to throw to trash until I read it. A new disco opening in town. Techno music, hot chicks and alcohol.

"I'm actually looking for a job, think I could find some there?", I asked the little blondie.

"Maybe if you're lucky", she winked at me, giggling, "Come over an hour before we open, maybe we can find something for such a cute guy"

"Cool, see ya then", I waved at her. This was suspiciously easy, but looking closer at the flyer I realized why. This fucking place was opening in the scum part of this city. Oh well, Mello never specified where I'm supposed to get the job. Or if it has to be legal, just in case.

I bought him a few chocolate bars, and went back, smoking another cigarette on my way. The blond chick wasn't there anymore, probably went back to being a whore. She looked like one anyway.

"Hey Mels, you wanna go out this weekend?", I asked, hanging my fur vest on the coat hanger.

"Where?", the blond emerged from his room to retrieve his chocolate.

"There's a new disco opening-"

"No"

"Why not?"

"I don't like discos", he bit into his chocolate like a starved animal, "And you shouldn't go either"

"Eh why?"

"Because I got the flyer too and I know where it is"

"Thats why you should come with me, y'know, safety reasons", I smiled like a fucking kid begging his parents to allow him to a sleepover. Mello was almost impossible to convince, especially once he sets his mind on something.

"No"

"Fuck sake Mels stop being so..."

"So... what?", the annoyed blond took a large bite out of his chocolate, sitting down on the couch.

"So constipated", I laughed after dodging a pillow Mello threw at me, "C'mon Mello, when was the last time we went out? You're acting like a sixty year old granny"

"Maybe I am a sixty year old granny", he zipped up his leather jacket, which was always on him.

"I'm being serious. You don't go out anywhere except work and shopping. When was the last time you had fun? Did you even get laid? Ever?", I grabbed his face trying to create a dramatic situation, but he quickly pushed me away muttering a silent 'don't touch me' and going into the kitchen, "Are you mad?"

"Matt can you just fuck off for a while"

"I just realized we've never talked about this before", I followed him into the kitchen, standing behind him.

"I'm so close to punching your stupid face", Mello rolled his eyes, pouring water into the kettle.

"Holy shit... Mels are you a... virgin?", I whispered overdramatically, trying to be funny. I only realized I crossed the line when I heard glass shatter all over the countertop.

"Shut the fuck up!", Mello yelled at me, going over to the sink to clean the blood of his hand. I quickly ran to the bathroom to get the first aid kit.

"Is there glass in it?", I asked closely inspecting the wound.

"I don't fucking... No there's none...", I took care of his injured hand. I always did that, since Wammy's when Mello got into a fight, I was the only one allowed to go near him.

"Why did you even crushed that glass? It's not that bad to be a virgin y'know?", I tried to disturb the tensed silence between us.

"I'm not", Mello muttered under his breath, so quietly I almost didn't hear. I bit my own tongue before I even got the chance to open my mouth, not wanting to make the situation even worse.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **_Wow two chapters in one day? I'm on a roll! even though I should be studying ehm. This chapter made me laugh but thats because I always laugh at my own jokes. Some one has to afterall, right?_

_**Love,**_

_**~MairaMai**_

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The blond hex didn't change his mind, just as I expected. Which meant only one thing- I had to sneak out to that disco. Like a fucking teenager sneaks out to a party, I was feeling young again. Or should I say younger... I'm twenty two, thats not old yet. I've waited for him to go to bed, after making sure he is definately asleep, I sneaked out. I knew I was late to get any job, but it's been a few weeks that I haven't been at any party and I could use some fun. The weather was just perfect to walk. I couldn't take my car as I was planning on drinking and theres no way I'd leave my baby in that part of the city. I got into the club without any problem and headed straight to the bar to order a drink. There was quite a crowd at the dancefloor already and I remembered why I haven't attended any parties recently. All these drunk humans were beyond annoying. I let my goggles hang around my neck as I watched people dance to the loud techno music.

"You're a fucking piece of shit", a really familiar voice said to me, loud enough to be heard over the music. "Yeah I know...", I replied absentmindedly sipping my drink, but spitting it out as soon as I recognised the voice, "Mello? What are you doing here?"

"I couldn't just let you come here alone, I knew you were going to sneak out", the blond glared at me, although it wasn't as effective as usually, due to his rather distressed posture. He was looking around, breathing unevenly, as if something bad was about to happen.

"Mel, are you okay? You seem... off", I asked, gently placing my hand on his shoulder, which he quickly shrugged off.

"Don't... Touch me. I'm okay", he breathed out, I passed him my drink, which he took a sip of, and almost immediately spat it out back into the glass.

"Why did you spit it out?"

"Because I remembered you spat it out first", I laughed at his disguested expression. Mello then turned around and ordered himself a new drink. The more we drank, the more relaxed Mello became. He wasn't looking around anymore like if expecting the worst to happen and he laughed much more. It was a rare occasion for Mello to laugh, despite having such an amazing laugh he did it so rarely that I always treasured every second of it. I think it was also the first time Mello drank so much since I met him. The blond didn't have a strong head for alcohol, getting more intoxicated than me, while drinking at the same speed. We drank a few more drinks when it was time to leave as the place was closing down. I was highly surprised that Mello was able to walk on his own, despite being almost shitfaced. I still held his arm all the way to our place, just to make sure he won't fall over somewhere on the way. I wouldn't be able to carry his heavy ass all the way home after drinking so much. It was the first time I was able to be so close to him without any complaints or death promises. And I must admit to liking it.

Getting back to our place took twice as long. There were moments when we had to stop, either to laugh or take a rest after Mello threw up. That guy wasn't strong headed when it came to alcohol. We were barely able to make our way quietly up the stairs, not wanting to disturb the nice old lady living under us. I helped the blond get to his room, over the mess we made and never really bothered to clean up, unless we needed something, that could be found in it.

"Matt", he whispered sitting down on his bed. I couldn't see the expression on his face as all the lights were off. He started shifting around, while I felt up the wall to find the light switch, "Don't turn it on"

"Why not?", I asked, finding the switch and flicking it on. The two of us covered our eyes almost instantly, blinded by the light. Right. I should've thought of that before. It took me a while to get accustomed to the brightness. Mello was lieing on his bed, almost naked, looking dead, his face covered with his arms.

"Mels? Are you sleeping?", his breathing was slow and even. I assumed he was already off in dreamland and was about to leave when something caught my eye. I walked over to his bed to get a closer look. On his chest, parts of the skin were shiny and of a different texture. It reminded me of when I first found out we'll be sharing a room back at Wammy's.

Roger, the man who ran the whole place, called me into his office. I clearly remembered his tired eyes as they carefully watched my every move. He said there will be a new kid coming in and he'd like me to take care of him. I wasn't happy about it. All the new kids cried all the time and were annoying the hell out of me. I wasn't going to be bothered by him at first, but when he arrived and befriended me, I changed my mind. Roger also informed me that Mello is coming to Wammy's after spending ages in a specialised hospital due to the terrible accident he was involved in, that made him an orphan. We never talked about it but I was sure that those scars were caused by that accident. It happened a long time ago, but looking at them now made me uneasy. I don't know what must've happen for those scars to look the way they did but it definitely wasn't something anyone would want to talk about.

So I never asked him.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **_Surprise, surprise! Out of all my stories this is the one that will get an update as I need to take my emotions out on something and there's a lot of them crumpled inside. So many problems, so many misunderstandings and questions! It's almost impossible to cope with.  
_

_Also, you might noticed I changed my name thingy, I had to do it because of personal reasons/problems whatever you want to call them. I'm still trying to understand myself and live on good terms with myself, it's not easy so just bear with me, ok?  
_

**_~QuinnSilver_**

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**Chapter 3**

It was sometime afternoon when I woke up to the sound of someone throwing up. I was startled at first, abruptly getting out of bed, until the feeling of dizziness and sickness forced me to remember what happened. Mello and I went to that stupid disco and he was probably hungover. No. He was definately hungover. And so was I, judging by the awful headache and unease in my stomach. Despite not getting as drunk as the blond, I made my way into the bathroom, hoping he finished throwing up and I could get my turn. How disgusting.  
"Morning", I muttered, leaning against the wall in the open bathroom. The blond was kneeling over the toilet, one hand on the toilet seat, supporting his head.  
"Fuck off", he replied, not honouring me even with a glance. How kind.  
"I guess you had fun then?", I laughed, immediately regretting it with a low hiss escaping my lips as my headache got worse.  
"You deserved it"  
"Ouch, don't be so mean", I took the cup from the sink, filled it with water and drank it all, still thirsty. At least I wasn't as sick as the blond, who was slowly getting up from the floor.  
"It's your fault though", he glared at me from under his golden bangs, coming over to the sink to wash his teeth. I stared at his bare chest, my eyes tracing over every visible scar of his. Did they feel as sleek as they looked? A strong urge to touch them filled me all of a sudden. Mello would never let me do that, so I wouldn't even ask.  
"What the fuck are you doing?", he jumped away, as soon as my fingers made contact with his skin. I knew he hated being touched, and I knew I shouldn't have touched him, but my arm subconscioulsy moved on its own.  
"I... Uh...", what exactly I was doing? It's not like he'd accept any answer I'd give him, unless it had a reason. Like a proper reason, a life threathening one.  
Mello grabbed my shirt and pushed me against the closest wall, quite agressively, knocking the air out of me. I should've expected this.  
"Don't fucking touch me or I'll break your neck", he seethed. Looking into his ice cold eyes, I realised what true fear was. The blond let go of my shirt, taking a step back. For a split second I could swear I saw something else in him. Something other than anger and disgust caused by the contact. Yet I couldn't place a finger on it, and the blond himself didn't give me much time to figure what it was, as he quickly left the bathroom.  
I washed my own teeth, no longer feeling the need to throw up. My hands were shaking from unknown reasons. I fucked up. It seemed so insignificant, just a gentle touch. A light brush of my finger on his skin. What was I even thinking? It's _Mello_, afterall. I really fucked up. All our childhood, adolescence and up to now I kept my mouth shut and arms tied. Well, not really childhood but still. I considered myself a child til I turned 16.  
The blond sat at the couch. A black t-shirt covering most of his body, as it was a bit too big on him, and a cup of coffee in his hands. His cold blue eyes were so focused on the television in front of him that he didn't notice me come into the small living room. I watched him silently for a while, wondering who was he before Wammy's? Mello was fifteen coming into the orphanage, and I was pretty sure he wasn't so awkward before. Maybe awkward wasn't the best word here, the blond was all but awkward, yet his aggression and disgust of physical contact seemed slightly different. Almost unexpected of him, to an outsider that wasn't used to it. Because overall, Mello was quite outgoing, loud and friendly. Until you come too close, then he just becomes agressive like a starved lion.  
"What the fuck are you staring at? Seriously Matt, there's something wrong with you today", I snapped out of my train of thoughts hearing the blond scoff at me. There really is something wrong with me today.  
"Nicotine. I need a smoke", perfect explanation. I searched my jeans, taking out a crumpled pack of cigarettes from it. That's what you get when you sleep fully dressed I guess.  
"Eat something first", Mello said, looking back at the tv.  
"What?"  
"Eat something first, you're gonna get sick", his eyes met mine and I blinked confused. He wasn't mad or even annoyed, just genuinely concerned, and even though I wasn't hungry, I went to the kitchen and ate a bowl of cereal before I had my cigarette. It was a good idea to eat before smoking, as my stomach felt uneasy. I was sitting on the countertop by the window, smoking, when Mello walked in, the empty cup in his hand.  
"You're really fucking weird today", the blond stood by the sink, washing his cup.  
"I know", I didn't look at him. I was too busy wondering what was his story before Wammy's, and why he hadn't told me anything. I told him about my parents' death, it's not like it was easy because I didn't know them too well, because it wasn't. I understood he probably didn't want to talk about it, that it was painful, but maybe his mood swings came from bottling it up all the time? For fuck sake we were best friends, yet I knew next to nothing about him!  
"Is something wrong?", he placed his cup away to dry and focused on me. My back was facing the blond, yet I knew he was staring at me. I could feel it, but I couldn't gather up the courage to ask any of the questions that bothered me so I just went with this:  
"Mello, we're best friends, right?"  
"Yeah?"  
"You'd tell me if something bothered you?"  
"Uhh, yeah? Why?"  
"No reason", I looked at his confused, slightly tilted to one side face, as I got off the countertop, grabbed my fur coat off the coathanger and left. I needed some fresh air. Some time to analyze the situation, all the options and possible outcomes. Basically, I needed some time to think.  
It was quite freezing outside, the frost stinging my face as I walked the streets. I had no set destination, I was just walking for what seemed like hours. Mello proabably thinks there is something very wrong with me. He's got every right to, though. I really didn't show off any common sense so far and the day wasn't over yet.  
I had to stop my walk when it started raining and my goggles fogged up. It was probably the only downside to them. I stood in front of one of those shops that had a little roof above the entrance, to avoid getting wet. Oh how I wished I had my car with me right now. Or at least for the day to end. Even the weather seemed awkward, the little water droplets soon turning into snowflakes. It didn't look like it was going to stop anytime soon, so with a low sigh, I decided to leave, taking every shortcut home.  
I was about to walk into the alley where the disco was, when I heard a familiar voice, too far away to hear what they were saying, but close enough to know who it belonged to. I peekend around the corner and my assumptions were confirmed. Mello was talking with some guy, who was probably twice the size of him. The blond seemed really uncomfortable, almost ready to run away as fast as he could at any given second. Was he in trouble? I took a deep breath, ready to jump in if something went wrong. Whatever could go wrong. I hadn't had a clue what to expect, but definately not the big guy handing Mello something small then leaving. The blond held it in his hands for a while then hid it in the pocket of his leather jacket. It looked like a piece of paper. Was Mello getting himself into some illegal shit? Fuck, I know our financial situation was bad, but to go to such an extend? When I asked the blondie about that job yesterday, I wasn't being serious about doing illegal stuff.  
I left the 'crime scene', not wanting to get caught. What I've just witnessed brought many more questions and yet I still had no answers.


End file.
